Shut Up and Explode
by CLS-SamuraiJack
Summary: Slipping out from boring patrol duty, SJ's little jaunt around a few solar systems runs into a surprise and alot of trouble.


**Shut Up and Explode (A SJ Adventure) By SamuraiJack**

_This is loosely based on a little incident down in 5P-AIP. It involves SJ, Scotch, Carriers, and minerals. I used to have some fraps from the Crow for this but I believe I deleted it all when I found out the bulk of my fraps folder was corrupt. Which is a shame as some of the carrier footage with fighters was rather good. It did have my run at the convoy as well :(_

IXC did send me fighters. I think it was Malachon who was in belt with an IXC mining team. And Cayt did Squeee when we found the high ends. :)

Anyway. This is what happens when Comedy2 is running South Park repeats. I'm bored and in a creative mood. Onwards.

**"Shut up and Explode"**

The problem with being famous... it's damn hard to actually get lost. Always someone hunting you for one reason or another. Peace and quiet was somewhat of a misnomer. Which is why sliding down a vent shaft of his own carrier at 4am had seemed like a damn good idea.

Breaking into the flight bay was easy. Opening the doors without alerting the bridge took a bit longer. Longer still was the 15 minute diversion to cargo bay 2 to urm... acquire a _medicinal_ bottle of scotch.

Ever try putting on a grav suit in zero G? Don't. Which is why I should have put it on before I slid down the vent shaft. Oh well... Was never known for planning anyway.

Where was I? Oh yes. Scotch. G-suit. Hanger Bay Delta. Port side Aft. A little early morning escapade in Lucy. Lucy being my "lucky" Crow. (Lucky being I haven't lost it... yet. God bless Kaalakiota and Beaver. Them for making her, Beaver for stealing some BPC's and keeping me in a supply of them.)

Coasting Lucy outside and then just drifting away like a slow asteroid was easy. The Pink Thong was on slow system patrol and was just passing a small asteroid belt anyway.

"Lucy? Be a darling. Stealth path for 100km. Usual evasion pattern, use the roids. Give the sensor jockeys some practice. We'll go to warp once we have the field between them and us. And it means I can get the damn top off this bottle."

"You know they are gonna come looking... and you know she hates you disappearing. I do wish you wouldn't drink in here. It shorts out the sensors if it gets behind the panels."

"I cheated. I left the port lock with a diagnostic. It will cycle the main doors and hence cover my exit. No-one saw me leave my cabin. I got at least 4hrs. Besides... I'm only having a few"

While I struggled with the bonded seals on the scotch, Lucy ghosted us round the bigger roids and slid us out deeper into the field on thrusters only.

"Jack?"  
"Uh Huh?"  
"The patrol just docked. She's going to warp shortly."  
"Ok. Punch us up for GHZ gate as she goes. The sensors will miss our trail as the tunnel forms. Means also we got 5mins before she gets on station to deploy the patrol again. We'll catch her in 4hrs when she jumps across to P8."  
"Crafty. What are going to do get on board without them seeing?"  
"Urm..."  
"You haven't thought that out yet have you?"  
"Not really... I just woke up and felt like a drink and a little stargazing"

If an AI could harrumph... Lucy did. Oh well... the scotch was good and being back in the Crow was home from home. The carrier had become... Cramped for lack of a better word. Patrols were boring.  
The Angels were learning that running incursions was getting expensive in repairs. CLS's cap ship group was expanding nicely due to the Empress and her dedicated band of builders. The Thong admittedly was down to IXC's cap group and a little prodding by their CEO Lighthand about a certain Fleet Admiral with no carrier.

"Jack?"  
"Ya?"  
"Top on the bottle... I am NOT asking the tech2 crew for another set of sensor arrays if u spill that horrible stuff again."  
"Yes dear"

With that... the slow tumbling roids and the little points of light from the star field turned into a blur and the Crow leapt into warp.

"Lucy. Gate us to GHZ and bounce us via planet 3 to the RIT gate. Then we'll bounce planet IV's Ice Field to hide us before we warp to the P8 gate. We'll gate in and take a slow arc across the system. The Thong is due to arrive 2au off the sun in 3hrs. I figure about 40mins to get to P8 and we can coast across the ecliptic with time to spare."

The nav screen flickered and the course popped up with a shining star as the jump point.

"You will have 8mins and 32seconds spare assuming we don't have to play hide and seek with the patrols in RIT. P8 has no patrols scheduled according to fleet command."  
"That's why the Thong is going there and why muggins here wanted out."  
"GHZ gate in range. Scans clear."

The Crow shuddered slightly as she dropped from warp and coasted towards the gate. A quick burst of commands and the gate powered up and the Crow was flung in a burst of light to the GHZ system. Long range scans revealed the science station quiet and in night mode. A lone contact on the far side of the system was the only life sign. Lucy slid into warp and a peaceful 20mins later the GHZ gate flung them into RIT. RIT had the usual IXC patrols but the interceptor ghosted past, its tiny signature size hiding it from scans. A further 20mins saw the P8 gate loom out of the darkness and fling them deep into the P8-BKO system.

"Jack... I have something around planet 5."  
"Define something."  
"It's a cluster of contacts. Seems to be heading for the asteroid belt. No tags."  
"That means not friendly in my book. Go combat and burst a transmission to the Thong and the RIT patrol."  
"The RIT patrol will take 15mins to reach us from their last plotted positions given usual patrol patterns. Thong will need 10mins best estimate if her drives haven't been spun up for Jump. Transmission sent."  
"Oh goodie... That means we're point. Time to get all hot and bothered."  
"RIT confirms. IXC has carrier on standby. 8mins till jump ready. Patrol is inbound. Executor Megathron Class BS and Neverangel Raven Class BS inbound. They are 13mins out. Thong replies 15mins till jump capable they are still in warp to final belt. They are also unhappy. Someone found your bunk empty and woke the Empress."  
"Great... so whatever happens... I'm in deep shit with someone. ETA to contacts and warm up weapon systems. Boost shields and load kinetic warheads."  
"ETA 3mins at max warp. Weapons hot. Sensors have positive contact with 3 BS class ships. There are a number of smaller contacts but they are too close together to get definition on."

The Crow hurtled into warp and the system blurred by. Missile doors opened and the true nature of the deadly little interceptor becomes apparent. A lethal predator with fangs.

"Jack. It's 3 Angel Machariel's, 3 Mammoth Transports and a pair of Dramiel frigates running point."  
"Oh great... my morning gets better... relay and get ready to drop us out of warp. Try drop us about 50k off the BS. Just behind the frigs would be good. Lock up the lead one and we'll put 2 volleys in him and tuck under the 2nd... We'll worry about the BS after that."  
"That's comforting. It's my ass that I'm showing them. I've updated the Thong and the RIT Patrol. Shall I tell the techs to get some new hull plating ready too?"  
"You are such a bitch in the mornings you know. Make the first 2 volleys count. If those Dramiels web us we are sitting ducks for the Mach's"

Like a shining dart the Crow dropped out of warp a bare 5km behind the Dramiel's. Scarlet flash's briefly illuminated the Crow as bloodclaws streaked across the darkness and tore into the lead Angels shields and dug into armour. The second volley sliced deeper in and a series of explosions rippled into the superstructure and flung the frigate into a spin before final explosion blew out most of the engine, most of the port quarter and the frigate went dark.  
The second Dramiel on seeing the first volley broke hard to port and arced round hard looking for the source of the missiles.

"Jack. He's locking us. I caught a data burst... He's feeding fire control to the battleships."  
"I know... hold on to your knickers... this is gonna get interesting."

Jack flung the Crow hard round the surviving Dramiel and headed for the asteroids. A burst of mwd as he passed the frig accelerated the Crow hard and deeper into the belt. The Dramiel let off a burst of fire that narrowly missed the Crow. A webber net activated too late and missed completely as the Dramiel realised they were heading the wrong way and swung round to pursue.

"Well that lost his lock. How long till he re-acquires?"  
"The Dramiel is closing. 15seconds till he relocks."  
"He's closing? Damn those frigs are fast. Ok. Get ready with the web. I'm gonna loop that asteroid and swing back. As we close on him, drop the web on him and I'll loop over him and put 2 volleys in him. Hopefully before he can get another fire control burst on us. That will give us some time to play duck and dodge with the battleships before they can lock us."  
"And if he webs us and gets a fire control off? I really do not want to be webbed when those mach's drop torps on us. I like my paint job."  
"Quit complaining. It's my ass too you know."

The Crow shuddered. Shields glowed. Looping over the closing asteroid Lucy barreled right back towards the Dramiel.

"I thought you said 15seconds before he could fire?"  
"Slight mis-calculation. Shields at 84%."

Jack muttered under his breath and rolled the Crow through the next barrage from the Dramiel. A Piranha missile detonated just aft and the Crow shook again. Another deadly barrage of bloodclaws flashed out from Lucy and just afterwards a pale blue glow surrounded the Dramiel as the webber found its target. Fire blossomed across the Dramiel's front shields as the bloodclaws struck home. Pulling Lucy hard round and underneath the Dramiel there was a clunk as the scotch shot across the cockpit and slammed into the rear wall. The worrying bit was when the scotch shot back across the cockpit and landed on the dash as the Dramiel's webber hit home.

"God dammit." A series of staccato thumps and bright sparks lit up the cockpit as the Dramiels auto cannons found their target. "Lucy!"

"Shields at 72%. Target is at 10% shields. 2nd volley away. Battleships have us locked. 30seconds till torpedo impact. We can take 2 maximum."  
"I'm not planning being here when those little bundles of joy arrive darling. Trust me."

The Crow and Dramiel orbited each other in a deadly dance of death. Each twisting and turning trying to avoid the deadly hail of fire. One of the bloodclaws exploded as auto cannon fire flashed out again towards the crow. The other two slammed into the rear of the frigate and tore into armour. A deep blue flash as the shields gave out and the frigate ran for the asteroids.

"Lucy. Where are the torps?"  
"7 o clock sector 4. Shields at 63%"

The Crow stood on end and the MWD lit up. Like a startled rabbit the Crow leapt forward as the first torpedo exploded. Orange fire rippled outwards and shields pulsed as they struggled to absorb its impact. The other two torpedoes exploded harmlessly behind the Crow as it leapt towards the cover of the belt.

"How we doing?"  
"Shields at 40%. That torpedo hurt. Dramiel I lost in the blast and the asteroids."  
"I don't think he wants to play anymore. ETA on battle group?"  
"IXC Carrier is jumping now. She will be at Planet 5 Moon 1 in 20seconds. Battleships from RIT will be 6 more minutes. Thong still 9mins."  
"Time to cheat. How fast can we get behind those Mach's?"  
"Keeping the belt between us and them we can be behind them in 35seconds. 10 more seconds will put us right between them"  
"Good. Do it. I've got a little plan. As we come clear the asteroids send the IXC carrier co-ordinates and phrase "Nintendo""

Flitting between the asteroids dodging and weaving the Crow was silhouetted by garish orange glows as torpedoes detonated in the asteroids.

"Ready? When we clear the asteroids punch the mwd."  
"We're going to run straight at them?"  
"Yep. IXC ready?"  
"Yes but she's still aligning for warp."  
"That's ok. It's not her I want..."  
"Jack. Lead battleship sending a message. "You will not survive the Angel Cartel""  
"Tell Mr Angel "Shut up and explode." I'm busy."

The Crow arced round the last roid and swung to face the Machariel's. The mwd pulsed and the battleships closed quickly. As the Crow angled to slide between them five little points of light suddenly flashed behind Lucy and silver flickered in the sunlight. Almost like mantas they aligned with the Crow sliding between the battleships and banked with her.

"Jack... I've got 5 new drone data feeds. Dragonfly flight?"  
"Meet your new friends. Fighters. I don't play fair. Sic'em girl. And get me info on those transports."

Lucy chuckled and sent the 5 Dragonflies swooping round to engage the first battleship as Lucy peeled round and dropped her first volley across the port shields. The dragonflies volley tore across the bow and up to the bridge carving a trail of EMP shockwaves all across the shields.

"Transports are 20k behind the battleships trying to clear the belt. Looks like they are going to run."  
"Ok. Leave your friends on the battleships. We're going for the transports."

Ducking out from round the 2nd battleship, Lucy arrowed towards the transports. A web ensnared the middle transport, a Warp Disruptor on the lead, and a volley of bloodclaws into the engines of the trailing transport. 3 volleys later the trailing transport was drifting helpless without power. A violent explosion lit up the belt as the first battleship succumbed to the Dragonflies.

"Jack. I think I like my new toys. But we have a problem. The third battleship is coming our way and he's sending advance gifts."  
"Let me guess... The exploding kind?"  
"Got it in one. He's fast too. He'll be here in 15seconds."  
"Can we keep the scramble on that lead transport, knock out the 2nd ones engines and dodge the torps?"  
"With mwd running and a random orbit we might dodge the first few but then we're gonna have to get close in to confuse his torps or outrun them. Shields are at 60% from our first little head to head with them. 2nd battleship is in 3/4 armour. Dragonflies will be another 40seconds with him. 2 more minutes for RIT BS group. 3 minutes till IXC carrier drops from warp. 5mins for the Thong."  
"Time to play chicken then."

More bloodclaws flashed out and ate into the 2nd transports shields and then into the engines as Lucy orbited at high speed dodging the incoming torpedoes. Like a deadly string of pearls they stretched behind the Crow as the mwd kept the interceptor ahead of the lethal payload.  
With a final volley the 2nd transports engine room became so much scrap metal and she tumbled end over end. Lucy looped over the tumbling ship and headed towards the chasing battleship. Shields suddenly flared as the battleships auto cannons finally got a bead on the crow.

"Shields at 35% and 6 torpedoes in tow. You did update your clone before you left right?"  
"Just get into a 5k orbit and keep that mwd running for god's sake. How's the other battleship?"  
"Nearly dead. I have the dragonflies coming our way."

Sudden the rapid closure between the Crow and the battleship was lit by an eerie blue glow and a rapid deceleration.

"Lucy... tell me the frigate isn't back? Get a firing lock!"  
"Urm. ok. He's not back and he isn't webbing us and we aren't 10seconds from dying. Lock confirmed."  
"Give him 3 good reasons to let us go and get me the shortest course to get out his web."

The crow lumbered round entangled by the web and 3 bloodclaws leapt from her maw and sped towards the heavily damaged Dramiel which had hidden behind a large veldspar in the asteroid field and waited for the battleship to distract the crow. Seeing the missiles the frigate's engines flashed and turned the frigate deeper into the field trying to loose them. If the captain had thought about it... leaving the exposed engines open to another volley after the nearly crippling first encounter wasn't his best move. The first two bloodclaws punished the already straining shield generators and the shields died in a flare of light and em radiation. The third missile slammed into the starboard thruster bank and sliced deep into hull and core compartments. The Crow rocked and shuddered as the Dramiel exploded and sent debris in all directions. The 2nd set of rocking's wasn't debris however. Just more friendly high explosives as the Machariel's guns again bracketed the crow.

"Shields out. Armour at 65%. MWD field is forming."

The deadly string of pearls approached the crow and detonated as she leapt forward like on a giant rubber band. The machariel, caught out by the sudden burst of speed, was firing another torpedo as the blasts from the string hit the mach and twisted it violently. The torpedo mid launch flared and slammed into the bow as the blast waves pushed her backwards. Detonating the torp tore open the starboard bow and shields flared in a desperate attempt to contain the damage. Colours changed from lilac to a deep purple as the Dragonflies entered range and added their rain of fire to the mix. Already taxed shield generators exploded under the load and the field collapsed.

"We dead?"  
"Damage control says you owe me a refit. Armour at 24%. Shields are out. Port launcher is damaged but serviceable. Mwd is flaky. The field generator absorbed most of the blast as we hopped out of there. We are out of range of her auto cannons but she can still nail us with a torp."  
"I think he's busier with your new friends. Find us that last transport and close in."

As Lucy swung round and closed on the transport two bright flashes of light signaled the arrival of the RIT battleships. Dropping from warp a bare 5km from the damaged machariel it was turning into a very bad day to be an Angel. Armour already struggling to deal with fighters just melted beneath a withering fire of the megathrons blasters and volley after volley of the raven's torps. The hull twisted and deformed and finally the battleship folded into itself and became a dark husk.

"Jack, the transport is about to go to warp."  
"Close and get that disruptor on him."

The transports engines flared as warp drives started to activate... then died as out of darkness ahead of the transport a massive Thanatos dropped from warp scattering a rainbow of warp tunnel light.

"Angel transport. This is IXC Carrier Firelight. Heave to and prepare for boarding."

With the crow closing rapidly and a carrier blocking her escape route, the transport powered down and surrendered.

"Firelight, This is SJ. Thanks for the end run and your toys."  
"You're welcome SJ. Any idea what is in the transports?"  
"Urm... was a little busy to try asking questions."

A final flash and swirl of light announced the arrival of the Thong.  
Snapping into existence as her mammoth jump engines dropped her above the belt. Fighters deployed in a vicious swarm glinting in the pale system sun.

"Jack. I might have some thing that will solve some problems."  
"Yes Lucy? what?"  
"The transports were carrying high grade minerals. Zydrine and Mega. Large amounts."  
"No wonder they didn't want to stop."

"SJ!"

Jack slid down his seat... he knew that voice.

"Yes Empress?"  
"You've been told about your little jaunts off. You're suppost to have a combat group!"  
"Urm... I brought u minerals?"  
Her voice changed... "What kind?"  
"The expensive kind? Lots of?"

The Thongs giant hanger bays swung open and a swarm of salvage craft headed for the belt. Giant tractor beams like huge searchlights stabbed towards wrecks and pulled them up to the carrier for reclamation and looting.

"SJ this is docking control. Bay 5a is allocated. Do you require a tow? We're reading substantial damage."  
"No thanks. She's coming in under her own steam. Rattling abit but mostly intact... oh bollocks."  
"What's up?"  
"Docking control. Send someone for a new bottle of scotch... This one couldn't take the strain."

Jack looked mournfully at the pool of amber liquid puddling in the corner of the cockpit.  
Lucy slowly meandered past the wrecked machariel, which was busily being taken apart by a looting team, and headed for the hanger bays. Coasting in she passed one of the transports, already docked by tractor beam, there was an efficient looking group stacking crates up out of the transport against the hanger wall.

"Oh crap."  
"Yes Jack?"  
"She's over there... by the first pile of boxes."

The Crow settled to the deck and popped the cockpit. Jack swung out and dropped to the deck... and came eye level with a loose bit of plating. He surveyed the little interceptor and whistled.

"Lucy... remind me to get your sensors checked... 24% armour my arse. That doesn't look enough to hold your knickers in place!"  
"Your arse is still intact. Quit bitching and get me some techs and a cleaning crew. Your scotch is seeping into the sensor array again."

Boots clicked on deck plating... Jack's shoulders hunched and he tensed but didn't turn round.

"Yes dear?"  
"Point one. Sneaking off without a combat crew. Dumb. Point two. Leaving your little escape hatch open nearly cost you the morning crew. They were in here prepping the new communications satellites when we emergency jumped to your little fracas. 1/2 of them are in sick bay from watching the jump energies swirl through the bay cos you left the damn door open. Point three."

She paused...sniffed and glared.

"You stink. Go shower. Thank you for the minerals thou."

With that the boots clicked back across the deck to watch the 2nd transport arrive through the massive doors and be laid next to its disabled twin.

"She is far too happy when she's telling me off. Oh well she's got minerals now. That will keep her happy." He sighed. "Lucy. Send a thank you to the IXC carrier and the RIT battle group. I'm going for a hot shower and a new bottle. Techs should be on their way to mop the booze and replace your tinplate of a skirt."

With that he headed back off to the cabin. Stairs this time... He was getting a little big for the air vent... plus he still had that bottle to get.


End file.
